The Irresistable Allure of the Modern Lady

Throughout the ages, men have been in awe of women (in many ways, that awe was one reason they often tried to control women) and their differences.  Women, after all, could bring forth life, they bled every month without harm, they could nurture through breastfeeding…women were a mystery and a miracle to men. 

Today, a lot of this allure has been lost.  There is often no mystery left for men to solve.  There is no longer ‘unexplored country’ for them to discover. By letting it all ‘hang out’, women are destroying the mystery that is part of their tantalizing charm. They act like men, swear like men, compulsively share every thought and try to be best friends with their partners.  But is this a good idea?

In France, French women have a saying: ‘silence is sexy’.  They understand that you don’t have to compulsively share every thought, feeling and mundane activity with men.  Leave them wanting more, is their motto! 

Women today tend to confuse intimacy with familiarity.  Your man does not need to know every little detail about you!  They don’t need to know every detail of every romance you ever had, they don’t need to know what brand of tampon you buy, they don’t need to know what brand of toilet cleaner you prefer and they don't need to see you pee.  Oversharing kills the mystery and does nothing to build intimacy.  Intimacy comes from sharing feelings and inner thoughts, not from prattling on about inanities!  

How To Be Alluring

1. First and foremost, be a lady.  An alluring woman is confident in her femininity and does not feel the need to draw attention to herself through outrageous behaviour.   So resist the urge to drink till you throw up.  If you don't feel like you know where to start, go to a finishing school or read more here.
2. Be interesting.  An alluring woman knows that she has something to say because she is widely read and interested in the world around her.
3. Don't confuse familiarity and intimacy.  An alluring woman shares but does not prattle.  She prefers to have privacy and space, instead of sharing every aspect of her life with a man.
4. Develop your own style.  An alluring woman has her own style because she knows who she really is and how she wants to portray herself to the world.
5. Learn about etiquette.  When you have mastered social etiquette, you can relax and shine in any social situation.
6. Be interested in other people.  An alluring woman is interested in the opinions of others.  She encourages them to talk by listening attentively and asking questions.
7. Don't try to change men.  An alluring woman allows a man to be a man and is accepting of his differences, flaws and opinions.  She understands that a man is a welcome addition to a fulfilling life, not a necessity.
8. Have a life.  An alluring woman has a fulfilling life.  She surrounds herself with friends and family, hobbies and interests, books and courses, and of course, love.

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Online Dating Etiquette
Online dating has its own set of rules to navigate.  It allows you to get to know someone through emails for a while before meeting face to face.  Here are some points to consider:
1.    Stay safe. Never provide your address or phone details. Set up a separate email address for your online dating.
2.    Be honest about yourself.  If you are sincere in your search for a mate, it will show in your emails and profile.
3.    Always be polite. Remember your manners.  You may not have a face to the name but these are still people with feelings.
4.    End the relationship politely whether you have met or not. It is considered okay to end a casual relationship via email but if you have actually dated for a while, give them the courtesy of a call.
5.    Use a reputable dating site that makes you feel comfortable and safe.  You need to know your details will be protected and that bad behaviour will not be tolerated.
6.    Use a respectable online name.  It might be tempting to call yourself ‘Hottotrot’ but if you are looking for a decent man, don’t have a callsign that is likely to attract men who are only interested in your physical attributes.
7.     Put a recent flattering photo of you up.  You don’t want your date to feel deceived by how different you look from your photo.
8.    Keep emails light and fun. This is not the place to reveal personal details about yourself.  If you feel that you have a connection, get on the phone.
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Dating Rules for Women

Rules of Engagement
Dating is like a dance. You have to know the steps or you’ll look like an idiot and/or fall flat on your face! Courtship is basically a mating ritual in which we seek to determine if we have found a compatible mate. Women and men move forward and dance back, tempt and tease, intrigue and excite, divert and confound. Women who don’t understand the rules of this dance reduce their chances of finding their perfect mate.

The first thing to remember is that the rules of social etiquette apply just as much in dating and relationships as in any other arena. Be polite, interested and interesting, elegant and a class act. This will give you a headstart in the dating arena because you will be more alluring and charming than most women men meet today. It will also give you the confidence to present yourself at your best.

1. Dress appropriately. Whether you are going to the movies or an expensive dinner, dress to reflect the best version of you. Always err on the side of modesty. Men have a great imagination and like to picture what you look like under your clothes - so leave something for them to imagine!
2. Always be fresh and clean. Any sign of poor personal hygiene is a real turnoff, for men and women. Bathe thoroughly every day, apply fresh make-up, wear fresh clothes, shave regularly, trim your nails and hair, and brush your teeth every day.
3. Remember your manners. A woman who is at ease in the boardroom, the beach or a restaurant is attractive because she knows how to handle herself and doesn’t embarrass the people around her. Practise your etiquette lessons until you are completely comfortable. Be a class act, girls. Men may laugh and cheer on your swearing, flashing and drunken antics but they are also crossing you off the list of possible life mates.
4. Show interest in the person you are with. Ask them questions about their work, hobbies, opinions; share your opinions and observations; and really listen to what your date is saying.
5. Be interesting. Develop your inner world so that you have a lot to talk about. Read a variety of material (not just women’s magazines), have a few hobbies, attend free seminars – there are many ways you can expand your knowledge easily. Have an opinion - modern men want a woman who knows her own mind.
6. Don’t talk about previous relationships. It is a no-win situation. Bagging a previous boyfriend makes you appear critical while praising them may make your date question whether you are over said boyfriend. Also, I have been told by men that hearing women talk about how great their old boyfriends are, makes them feel very insecure and wonder if they can live up to her expectations. So just don’t talk about old boyfriends, full stop.
7. Don’t drink much. You need to know what you are saying and doing at all times, and getting tipsy or roaring drunk is likely to lead to you doing or saying something you will regret. So keep it to one or two glasses. Remember, you want to present the best version of you and if you are falling down drunk, the version you will be presenting to your date will be less than flattering.
8. Take things slow. On TV and movies, couples jump into bed on the first date but that is because they’ve only got two hours to tell the story! You, on the other hand, have a lifetime. Take the time to find out if your date is a good match before you take it to the next level. Just as importantly, men need time to see past your external attractions and fall in love with the woman inside. Give them time to discover how amazing you are before you have sex with them.
9. Allow men to chase you. Men may be more civilised now but the hunting instinct is still there just below the surface. Allow them to pursue you. They will appreciate you all the more for it. Some women think that such behaviour is manipulative but, in truth, you are just filling a basic need in men. They want the chase and they value the prize all the more if it is hard-won. This does not mean being dishonest, cold or cruel. It means letting him know that you are interested but that you need convincing that he is a good match. Let him do the calling, make the dates, woo you with flowers; don’t be available all the time – after all, you already have a great life. Above all, have some fun with the game of love!
10. Keep a little mystery. Mystery is part of a woman’s allure so don’t be in such a rush to reveal everything about yourself. The rule is - 'If he doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t need to know'! That doesn’t mean you should lie to him, just don’t offer too much information. Does he really need to know how many times you’ve had your heart broken or when you first had sex? Does he really need to know about your eczema or IBS? This should extend to all areas of your life. Your date/boyfriend doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty of how you got to be so wonderful – he doesn’t need to see you applying your make-up, shaving your legs, scrubbing floors and he definitely doesn’t need to see you pee in front of him. Don’t confuse intimacy with familiarity, girls.
11. Don’t be a stalker. After a date, do not ring, text, or email him constantly. If he is interested, he will get in touch with you. If you must contact him, leave one casual message and that’s all. Any more calls, and you run the risk of sounding desperate – not an attractive quality.
12. Relax. Maybe this will be the love of your life, maybe not. The point of dating is to have fun while you are meeting new people on your journey of love. So relax and enjoy! Learn to laugh and see the humour in awkward situations. Not only will you enjoy yourself more, but a girl who can laugh at life is infinitely appealing.
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What Women Need to Know About Moving In With a Man

Today, moving in together is perceived by many women as the step between falling in love and getting married. However, before my daughters do this, I want to make sure that they are armed with all the relevant facts.

1. First of all, don't rush into it! Being madly, passionately in love is such a short phase and should be enjoyed for a long as possible. Research shows that it usually lasts about 2 years for dating couples, but only about 6 months after people start living together. So you should enjoy the romantic phase for as long as it lasts!

The second reason you shouldn't rush into living together, is because many young women don't realise how difficult it is to extricate themselves from a live-in relationship. The only thing wrong with the relationship may be a feeling that says 'this isn't how I want to live my life'. That doesn't carry much weight when weighed against all the emotional and physical ties of a live-in relationship. So before you move in, take a good hard look at yourself and your dreams for the future. Then take a good look at the man you are planning on moving in with, because that may well be the man you end up marrying - for better or worse.

2. Women view moving in as being one step closer to getting married. They need to realise that men do not necessarily view it this way. A lot of men want to move in because it is more convenient. So have the conversation - are both of you moving in together because it is convenient, or because you both want to get married some day, or do you both have different expectations?

3. If the expectation is that you will marry some day, set a deadline before you move in. Research shows couple who live together more than 2 years are less likely to marry, and when they do, they are more likely to get divorced! So discuss how long you are prepared to live together without a firm commitment. This sounds odd, I know, but it is important that you both are aware of each others' expectations. This is not about threatening your partner with breaking up, but about respect and boundaries. For example, before I moved in with my now-husband, I told him that I would only live with him for a year without an engagement and then I was moving out. Of course, he felt pressured at first, but once I explained that I was not talking about breaking up with him, just moving out because of my own personal beliefs, he relaxed. We were engaged 6 months later.

4. Treat moving in as a trial marriage. You need to think about what you expect in a life partner, and be clear-eyed enough to see if your partner has those qualities. In essence, does he make your life better - or worse? Is he a good person but inclined to be a couch potato while you want to climb Mount Everest - or vice versa? For more on what women should think about before choosing a life partner, read The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Getting Married.

5. Don't even think about having kids until you have lived together for a couple of years and you are confident that this is someone you want to spend your life with. While you can walk out without many complications if your 'trial marriage' doesn't work out, things change once children come into the picture. Sure, if he is a bastard, you leave. But what happens if he is a nice but dull man - and now the father of your children? Your responsibilities towards your children mean that you owe it to them to try to make the relationship work. As much as you are choosing a life partner for yourself, you are also choosing a father for your children - so think about what attributes you are looking for in a father - health, affection, good values, and a shared philosophy of child-raising.



Finally, let me quote the advice given to young women in 1918:
"There can be no question but that love is the essential foundation of all true marriage, and yet Love, as that word is commonly used, is not enough.

There must be a strong physical attraction in order that there may be a harmonious and life-giving physical relationship.

There must be mental companionship in order that, as the years go by, the two may grow more and more intimately into each other's lives.

There must also be a spiritual union. They must have common aims, ideals, and a common attitude toward life and its great purposes. It is only in this highest realm of the spiritual, as we call it, that an enduring union can exist, and without this, the coming together of the two individuals may prove to be only temporary." (from Old and New)

In all the years that have passed since, not much has changed! Let me leave you with this final thought - choose wisely before allowing yourself to fall in love but if you are already in love, then use 'moving in' as a way of testing whether your hormones have made the right choice for you.
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10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Getting Married

10. Believing in ‘..and they lived happily ever after”. Women are fed romantic ideals from the day they are born. Books and movies aimed at girls invariably promote the big wedding to the perfect man as the ideal ending, from Snow White to Hilary Duff, from fairy tales to Mills and Boon. Is it any wonder women don’t tend to look past the romance of the wedding to the 50 or so years of marriage that follows! The truth is, marriage is hard work! A more realistic perspective would be that marriage is about 20% happiness, 30% contentment and 50% plain hard work! Going into marriage with a realistic attitude will prevent a lot of disappointment.

9. Believing that they can change him. Women have a tendency to gloss over qualities they don’t like in a man, telling themselves ‘oh, he’ll change’ or ‘I’ll work on that’. It doesn’t work, because you can’t force a person to change. If you do manage to bully him into changing, your relationship will suffer. Either accept and enjoy the differences between you or create an environment that encourages him to want to change for you.

8. Believing that he will always be romantic. Often women have very unrealistic expectations based on the way their partner behaved during the courtship phase. Unfortunately, most men heave a big sigh of relief once they have won you because they think ‘hey, I can relax now and stop doing all that girly stuff’! That doesn’t mean you have to give up on romance, just don’t expect a ‘grand gesture’ every day.

7. Losing self. Getting into an intense relationship before they’ve developed a clear sense of their own identity is another common mistake young women make. Without a clear sense of self, women identify overly with their partner and find it difficult to stand up for themselves and their own needs. A woman with a strong sense of identity, however, is a more interesting and equal partner.

6. Giving up friends and interests. With the thrill of being in love, it is too easy for women to put friends and family, hobbies and sports on the backburner. This is a fundamental mistake to make because a) women depend on support networks throughout their lives and b) men just can’t be everything to a woman. It is asking too much of them. It is important to maintain a happy balance in your life.


5. Rushing into marriage. It almost seems to be a race across the wedding finishing line for many young women. Marriage can last an eternity, but your single 20s only last a decade at the most! Don’t rush into it. Just because you found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, doesn’t mean you have to marry him straight away. Enjoy your youth so that you will not have any regrets later.


4. Not having conversations about serious issues. Talk to your partner about where you both stand on issues that can make or break a marriage. Talk about the number of children you both want, are you intending to stay home to raise them, where your priorities lie, spending styles, dreams and goals, where you see yourself 20 years from now, parenting styles, sharing of responsibilities, etc. You need to know beforehand if his beliefs are incompatible with yours. This alone can determine how happy or conflicted your marriage is.

Also, have discussions about ground rules. Negotiations should be conducted before you sign on the dotted line. Too many of us rush into marriage and then spend the first decade negotiating the details! Sit down and nut out the details before you get married. Work out the basic rules that you both need to follow in order to have a happy marriage. It is important to be realistic, though, and to not agree to any rules that you know are unreasonable. Sex every day may work for him but it probably won’t for you! Also, realize that these rules may need to be renegotiated now and then, such as when you have children.


3. Having sex before sussing out the guy. Research shows that women are genetically programmed to fall in love with someone they have sex with. Make sure that he is someone you have the potential to be happy with, before you jump into bed with him! Afterwards, your hormones are likely to override your commonsense. This is how the Bree Van Der Camps of the world find themselves married to the Tommy Lee Jones of the world! Sometimes this work because your fundamental beliefs are the same but don’t let your hormones make that decision for you.

2. Settling. A lot of women start to panic if they aren’t married by their mid-20s, and god forbid they reach 30 without being married! That ol’ biological clock starts ticking loudly. The result is that they make excuses and rationalizations to themselves about a relationship that is already dull and past its use-by date, or which they know has serious issues. Marrying someone because you are afraid to be alone is unfair to yourself and your partner. Someone once said ‘I don’t want to spend a lifetime turning a bad relationship into an average one; I want to start with a good relationship and make it a great one’. Hear, hear.

And the No. 1 mistake women make is

1. Getting married because they are ‘in love’. Being in love is not a good enough reason to marry. We can fall in love for many reasons – it doesn’t mean the man you have fallen in love with will be a good partner. Choosing a good partner makes all the difference between having a harmonious marriage and a difficult marriage. You need to seriously question how well you two can work together for a lifetime. Do you complement each other? Does he make you feel like a better person or a lesser one?

I fell in love with 3 completely different men before I finally married. If I had married the first man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with an adrenaline junkie which would have stressful for a couch-and-book lover like me; if I had married the second man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with a compulsive cheater; and if I had married the third man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with an emotionally stunted husband. Each taught me a valuable lesson about what I wanted in a husband. The result is that I married a good man who still spoils me 20 years later.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience. It can be painful, frustrating, hilarious, comforting, annoying and tender. How much it leans to either end of the happiness spectrum depends on you making a good choice of partner at the beginning.
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