How to Empower Girls to Stay Safe
There are many things we, as parents, can do to enable our daughters to feel - and be - safe. Don't wait until they are teenagers to start teaching them (although it is never to late to start).
1. From a young age, teach them the power of intuition. Remember, we trust far more people than we distrust, so if your daughter feels uncomfortable around someone, it is significant. We must teach our daughters to honour their gut instinct that says something's not right. This takes practice. On outings, ask your daughter to tell you how she reacted to someone you both just met. Get her to notice her first instinctual reaction - was it trust, shyness, distaste?
2. Girls must be taught to react to early signals, as this is when they can turn away most predators. Teach your daughter to be wary of strangers who try to be charming, offer unsolicited help and promises, and especially, ignores her refusal of help. This is the most universally significant signal of danger as it is a sign that the predator is seeking to control her. Teach your daughter that it is okay to be blunt and even rude in this situation. Explain to her that you (and any truly innocent adult) would understand her rudeness if she turns out to be mistaken. If girls don't make the mistake of waiting for clear signals, then they can defeat most predators.
3. Teach your daughter how to communicate clearly that she is not a target. This includes glaring, holding the stare, walking away and raising her voice. Most predators will get the message and look for an easier target.
4. Teach your teenage daughter about PC, that is, Privacy and Control. Sexual predators are not dangerous to your daughter if they don't have privacy and control. Therefore, if your daughter learns to recognise PC situations early, she can take steps to change the situation before it becomes dangerous. For example, if a girl notices that her driving instructor's directions are taking her out of populated areas, she can clearly say "I wish to stay in familiar areas". This clearly says to the predator that she is not going to be easily controlled, and in the majority of cases, the predator will abandon his plan.
5.Your daughter needs to be aware of her surroundings. Predators look for victims who are going to be easy targets - the ones on their phones, looking at the ground, day dreaming, listening to music…Teach your daughter to always take note of who is around her and what is going on. If she notices someone approaching her, she can usually deter them with the steely response in Step 3. Give your daughter pop quizzes on walks or shopping expeditions to see how alert she is to her surroundings.
Hopefully, these techniques will keep your daughter from ever being attacked. However, she still needs to know what to do if she is attacked.
6. Enrol your daughter in martial arts or self-defence classes. This is important because the reaction of most people when faced with an aggressive and loud person, is to freeze. This allows the attacker time to get in close and take control. Regular martial arts or other similiar classes, however, will teach your daughter to react automatically in crises. Those precious first few minutes often make all the difference in an attack, as most attackers will retreat in the face of a serious defence. If you can't afford classes, make a game of surprising your daughter at home and practising quick responses.
7. Teach your daughter to do the opposite of whatever she is told to do, as that is what the attacker is most afraid that your daughter will do. If they say 'don't yell', train you daughter to do exactly that!
8. Teach your daughter to breathe out in crises. Most people forget to breathe which means their brain's ability to think through the crisis disappears. Breathing out forces the body to start breathing again.
9. Teach your daughter to never allow herself to be taken somewhere else. Her chance of escaping the situation drops significantly if she allows an attacker to move her to another location. When my girls ask 'what do I do if they have a knife?', I tell them "Fight. Yes, you might get stabbed, but your chances of surviving are pretty good. If, however, you let them take you away, you lose any control over whether you live or die."
10. Show your girl a couple of simple but painful manoeuvers, such as a kick to the shin. This will hopefully cause an attacker to loosen or release his hold which will give your child an opportunity to escape. Again, practice is important so that she can react quickly and strongly.
(Several of these tips come from security expert, Gavin De Becker. I recommend reading his book 'Keeping the Gift Safe' for many fascinating tips on preventing violence to children.)
Preparing your daughter to be safe doesn't mean making her fearful of the world. It means teaching her that there are techniques she needs to master in case she is ever attacked, in much the same way we teach our children how to deal with fire. This is what I tell my daughters. They roll their eyes at my pop quizzes and challenges, but there is a quiet self confidence in the way they hold themselves that reassures me that they are ready to go out into the world.
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