What Women Need to Know About Moving In With a Man

Today, moving in together is perceived by many women as the step between falling in love and getting married. However, before my daughters do this, I want to make sure that they are armed with all the relevant facts.

1. First of all, don't rush into it! Being madly, passionately in love is such a short phase and should be enjoyed for a long as possible. Research shows that it usually lasts about 2 years for dating couples, but only about 6 months after people start living together. So you should enjoy the romantic phase for as long as it lasts!

The second reason you shouldn't rush into living together, is because many young women don't realise how difficult it is to extricate themselves from a live-in relationship. The only thing wrong with the relationship may be a feeling that says 'this isn't how I want to live my life'. That doesn't carry much weight when weighed against all the emotional and physical ties of a live-in relationship. So before you move in, take a good hard look at yourself and your dreams for the future. Then take a good look at the man you are planning on moving in with, because that may well be the man you end up marrying - for better or worse.

2. Women view moving in as being one step closer to getting married. They need to realise that men do not necessarily view it this way. A lot of men want to move in because it is more convenient. So have the conversation - are both of you moving in together because it is convenient, or because you both want to get married some day, or do you both have different expectations?

3. If the expectation is that you will marry some day, set a deadline before you move in. Research shows couple who live together more than 2 years are less likely to marry, and when they do, they are more likely to get divorced! So discuss how long you are prepared to live together without a firm commitment. This sounds odd, I know, but it is important that you both are aware of each others' expectations. This is not about threatening your partner with breaking up, but about respect and boundaries. For example, before I moved in with my now-husband, I told him that I would only live with him for a year without an engagement and then I was moving out. Of course, he felt pressured at first, but once I explained that I was not talking about breaking up with him, just moving out because of my own personal beliefs, he relaxed. We were engaged 6 months later.

4. Treat moving in as a trial marriage. You need to think about what you expect in a life partner, and be clear-eyed enough to see if your partner has those qualities. In essence, does he make your life better - or worse? Is he a good person but inclined to be a couch potato while you want to climb Mount Everest - or vice versa? For more on what women should think about before choosing a life partner, read The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Getting Married.

5. Don't even think about having kids until you have lived together for a couple of years and you are confident that this is someone you want to spend your life with. While you can walk out without many complications if your 'trial marriage' doesn't work out, things change once children come into the picture. Sure, if he is a bastard, you leave. But what happens if he is a nice but dull man - and now the father of your children? Your responsibilities towards your children mean that you owe it to them to try to make the relationship work. As much as you are choosing a life partner for yourself, you are also choosing a father for your children - so think about what attributes you are looking for in a father - health, affection, good values, and a shared philosophy of child-raising.



Finally, let me quote the advice given to young women in 1918:
"There can be no question but that love is the essential foundation of all true marriage, and yet Love, as that word is commonly used, is not enough.

There must be a strong physical attraction in order that there may be a harmonious and life-giving physical relationship.

There must be mental companionship in order that, as the years go by, the two may grow more and more intimately into each other's lives.

There must also be a spiritual union. They must have common aims, ideals, and a common attitude toward life and its great purposes. It is only in this highest realm of the spiritual, as we call it, that an enduring union can exist, and without this, the coming together of the two individuals may prove to be only temporary." (from Old and New)

In all the years that have passed since, not much has changed! Let me leave you with this final thought - choose wisely before allowing yourself to fall in love but if you are already in love, then use 'moving in' as a way of testing whether your hormones have made the right choice for you.
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Empowering Our Girls To Be Safe

How to Empower Girls to Stay Safe

There are many things we, as parents, can do to enable our daughters to feel - and be - safe. Don't wait until they are teenagers to start teaching them (although it is never to late to start).

1. From a young age, teach them the power of intuition. Remember, we trust far more people than we distrust, so if your daughter feels uncomfortable around someone, it is significant. We must teach our daughters to honour their gut instinct that says something's not right. This takes practice. On outings, ask your daughter to tell you how she reacted to someone you both just met. Get her to notice her first instinctual reaction - was it trust, shyness, distaste?

2. Girls must be taught to react to early signals, as this is when they can turn away most predators. Teach your daughter to be wary of strangers who try to be charming, offer unsolicited help and promises, and especially, ignores her refusal of help. This is the most universally significant signal of danger as it is a sign that the predator is seeking to control her. Teach your daughter that it is okay to be blunt and even rude in this situation. Explain to her that you (and any truly innocent adult) would understand her rudeness if she turns out to be mistaken. If girls don't make the mistake of waiting for clear signals, then they can defeat most predators.

3. Teach your daughter how to communicate clearly that she is not a target. This includes glaring, holding the stare, walking away and raising her voice. Most predators will get the message and look for an easier target.

4. Teach your teenage daughter about PC, that is, Privacy and Control. Sexual predators are not dangerous to your daughter if they don't have privacy and control. Therefore, if your daughter learns to recognise PC situations early, she can take steps to change the situation before it becomes dangerous. For example, if a girl notices that her driving instructor's directions are taking her out of populated areas, she can clearly say "I wish to stay in familiar areas". This clearly says to the predator that she is not going to be easily controlled, and in the majority of cases, the predator will abandon his plan.

5.Your daughter needs to be aware of her surroundings. Predators look for victims who are going to be easy targets - the ones on their phones, looking at the ground, day dreaming, listening to music…Teach your daughter to always take note of who is around her and what is going on. If she notices someone approaching her, she can usually deter them with the steely response in Step 3. Give your daughter pop quizzes on walks or shopping expeditions to see how alert she is to her surroundings.

Hopefully, these techniques will keep your daughter from ever being attacked. However, she still needs to know what to do if she is attacked.

6. Enrol your daughter in martial arts or self-defence classes. This is important because the reaction of most people when faced with an aggressive and loud person, is to freeze. This allows the attacker time to get in close and take control. Regular martial arts or other similiar classes, however, will teach your daughter to react automatically in crises. Those precious first few minutes often make all the difference in an attack, as most attackers will retreat in the face of a serious defence. If you can't afford classes, make a game of surprising your daughter at home and practising quick responses.

7. Teach your daughter to do the opposite of whatever she is told to do, as that is what the attacker is most afraid that your daughter will do. If they say 'don't yell', train you daughter to do exactly that!

8. Teach your daughter to breathe out in crises. Most people forget to breathe which means their brain's ability to think through the crisis disappears. Breathing out forces the body to start breathing again.

9. Teach your daughter to never allow herself to be taken somewhere else. Her chance of escaping the situation drops significantly if she allows an attacker to move her to another location. When my girls ask 'what do I do if they have a knife?', I tell them "Fight. Yes, you might get stabbed, but your chances of surviving are pretty good. If, however, you let them take you away, you lose any control over whether you live or die."


10. Show your girl a couple of simple but painful manoeuvers, such as a kick to the shin. This will hopefully cause an attacker to loosen or release his hold which will give your child an opportunity to escape. Again, practice is important so that she can react quickly and strongly.

(Several of these tips come from security expert, Gavin De Becker. I recommend reading his book 'Keeping the Gift Safe' for many fascinating tips on preventing violence to children.)

Preparing your daughter to be safe doesn't mean making her fearful of the world. It means teaching her that there are techniques she needs to master in case she is ever attacked, in much the same way we teach our children how to deal with fire. This is what I tell my daughters. They roll their eyes at my pop quizzes and challenges, but there is a quiet self confidence in the way they hold themselves that reassures me that they are ready to go out into the world.
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Should Our Daughters Be Allowed to Wear Makeup?

Could allowing your daughter to wear makeup be increasing her breast cancer risk?

Research shows 9 out of 10 girls are wearing makeup regularly by the time they are 14. In fact, the number of girls aged 11 to 14 who use makeup every day has doubled in two years! Yet girls are most vulnerable to the chemicals in makeup - many of which are linked to breast cancer - during the years when their bodies are developing! (Environmental Working Group report, 2008)

The cosmetic industry has been increasingly targeting our daughters over the last decade, with a range of cutesy products designed for young girls. As a mother, I know that I allowed myself to be persuaded that 'kiddy makeup' was okay because it was just the same as playing dress up. I assumed that the products would be extra safe because of the age range it was marketed to, but clearly that was not the case! A look at any of the 'kiddy' cosmetics will quickly show you an alarming range of ingredients whose name you can't pronounce (which usually means chemicals). Do a bit more research and you will find that there are ingredients like phthalates which are linked to breast cancer, birth deformation, asthma and early puberty. You will also find lead, formaldehyde and other harmful ingredients.

A study of teenage girls by the Environmental Working Group discovered hormone-disrupting chemicals (commonly found in cosmetics and body care products) present in their bodies. It found 16 different toxic chemicals in blood and urine samples! Many of these are linked to serious health risks in lab animals, even at low-dose levels.

Many of the ingredients in makeup and skin care products mimic the effect of oestrogen. This is of great concern, because it is widely accepted amongst scientists that it is the increased exposure to oestrogen in our environment that has lead to the rise in breast cancer over the last 50 years. (Breast cancer Network(NZ)report, 2006)

Strategies for protecting our daughters from the chemicals in cosmetics

1)The first thing to do is start reading labels, particularly the ingredients list. As a rule of thumb, if you can't pronounce it - don't buy it! Be suspicious: Words like "natural" or "hypoallergenic" look reassuring, but they may well be misleading.

2)Educate yourself and your daughters. There is a lot of information on the net about the chemicals in cosmetics issue. A good place to start is at www.SafeCosmetics.org. There is also an alarming report that is worth reading, even if it is a bit scientific, at www.breastcancernetwork.org.nz/docs/Insidious%20Oestrogens.pdf">Insidious Oestrogens.

There are also places that will educate your daughter on cosmetic safety. For instance, as part of their Building Social Confidence program, one business - Grace Academy (www.graceacademyoz.com)- is arming girls with the information they need to make safe and healthy choices in cosmetics and skin care. “There are safe products available, if you know what to look for. We also teach girls about natural products they can make themselves.” said Karen McIlveen, principal of Grace Academy, “For instance, the chocolate facial mask is a wonderful moisturiser!”

3)Make your own cosmetics and skin care products! Women often assume that you have to pay a fortune for a product that is good for your skin, but that couldn't be further from the truth! You can easily make natural products in your kitchen, which are often better for your skin than anything you can buy in the shop. You can teach your daughter to make lip glosses, face masks and bubble baths in just a few minutes, knowledge that will save her a lot of money down the track! Download recipes at safe cosmetics, if you are interested.

4)Shop in places that sell organic and natural products. Health stores often have natural cosmetics and skin care products, but again, read the labels carefully. Just because products are in a health store doesn't mean they are free of harmful chemicals.

5)Limit you and your daughter's overall exposure to hormone-disrupting chemicals. While our bodies have an inherent ability to get rid of excess oestrogen, many of the man-made compounds can't be broken down and end up accumulating in the body.

One way to reduce the load on our bodies is to use glass containers as much as possible, as plastic containers often have these harmful chemicals. Another way to reduce exposure is to avoid all shop-bought cosmetic and skin care products, including shampoos and deodorants. In fact, some of the worst offenders are sunscreens, with five out of the 6 having oestrogen-like ingredients. Instead seek out products that are made from 100% natural ingredients. You may have to do a bit of detective work at first. For instance, aromatherapy businesses often make up their own skin care products which are natural and wonderful for the skin.

6) Ultimately, you may have to refuse to allow your daughter to wear makeup and skin care products until her body has stopped developing. As she is most vulnerable when her body is developing, taking such a stand may protect her from breast cancer in the long run.

The pressure being brought to bear on cosmetic companies is slowly forcing them to withdraw these chemicals from their product lines. However, it will be some time before it is safe to use shop-bought products. In the meantime, we must protect our daughters from being exposed unnecessarily to products which may cause them harm later in life. Some exposures are out of our control but limiting their exposure to shop-bought products is one thing we can control, and must, for our daughters' sake. For more advice that mothers need to give their daughters, please sign up for more articles at http://advicefordaughters.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default.
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