Today, moving in together is perceived by many women as the step between falling in love and getting married. However, before my daughters do this, I want to make sure that they are armed with all the relevant facts.
1. First of all, don't rush into it! Being madly, passionately in love is such a short phase and should be enjoyed for a long as possible. Research shows that it usually lasts about 2 years for dating couples, but only about 6 months after people start living together. So you should enjoy the romantic phase for as long as it lasts!
The second reason you shouldn't rush into living together, is because many young women don't realise how difficult it is to extricate themselves from a live-in relationship. The only thing wrong with the relationship may be a feeling that says 'this isn't how I want to live my life'. That doesn't carry much weight when weighed against all the emotional and physical ties of a live-in relationship. So before you move in, take a good hard look at yourself and your dreams for the future. Then take a good look at the man you are planning on moving in with, because that may well be the man you end up marrying - for better or worse.
2. Women view moving in as being one step closer to getting married. They need to realise that men do not necessarily view it this way. A lot of men want to move in because it is more convenient. So have the conversation - are both of you moving in together because it is convenient, or because you both want to get married some day, or do you both have different expectations?
3. If the expectation is that you will marry some day, set a deadline before you move in. Research shows couple who live together more than 2 years are less likely to marry, and when they do, they are more likely to get divorced! So discuss how long you are prepared to live together without a firm commitment. This sounds odd, I know, but it is important that you both are aware of each others' expectations. This is not about threatening your partner with breaking up, but about respect and boundaries. For example, before I moved in with my now-husband, I told him that I would only live with him for a year without an engagement and then I was moving out. Of course, he felt pressured at first, but once I explained that I was not talking about breaking up with him, just moving out because of my own personal beliefs, he relaxed. We were engaged 6 months later.
4. Treat moving in as a trial marriage. You need to think about what you expect in a life partner, and be clear-eyed enough to see if your partner has those qualities. In essence, does he make your life better - or worse? Is he a good person but inclined to be a couch potato while you want to climb Mount Everest - or vice versa? For more on what women should think about before choosing a life partner, read The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Getting Married.
5. Don't even think about having kids until you have lived together for a couple of years and you are confident that this is someone you want to spend your life with. While you can walk out without many complications if your 'trial marriage' doesn't work out, things change once children come into the picture. Sure, if he is a bastard, you leave. But what happens if he is a nice but dull man - and now the father of your children? Your responsibilities towards your children mean that you owe it to them to try to make the relationship work. As much as you are choosing a life partner for yourself, you are also choosing a father for your children - so think about what attributes you are looking for in a father - health, affection, good values, and a shared philosophy of child-raising.
Finally, let me quote the advice given to young women in 1918:
"There can be no question but that love is the essential foundation of all true marriage, and yet Love, as that word is commonly used, is not enough.
There must be a strong physical attraction in order that there may be a harmonious and life-giving physical relationship.
There must be mental companionship in order that, as the years go by, the two may grow more and more intimately into each other's lives.
There must also be a spiritual union. They must have common aims, ideals, and a common attitude toward life and its great purposes. It is only in this highest realm of the spiritual, as we call it, that an enduring union can exist, and without this, the coming together of the two individuals may prove to be only temporary." (from Old and New)
In all the years that have passed since, not much has changed! Let me leave you with this final thought - choose wisely before allowing yourself to fall in love but if you are already in love, then use 'moving in' as a way of testing whether your hormones have made the right choice for you.
Subscribe to articles
