Things I Want My Daughter To Know

The Irresistable Allure of the Modern Lady

2010-05-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

Throughout the ages, men have been in awe of women (in many ways, that awe was one reason they often tried to control women) and their differences. Women, after all, could bring forth life, they bled every month without harm, they could nurture through breastfeeding…women were a mystery and a miracle to men.

Today, a lot of this allure has been lost. There is often no mystery left for men to solve. There is no longer ‘unexplored country’ for them to discover. By letting it all ‘hang out’, women are destroying the mystery that is part of their tantalizing charm. They act like men, swear like men, compulsively share every thought and try to be best friends with their partners. But is this a good idea?

In France, French women have a saying: ‘silence is sexy’. They understand that you don’t have to compulsively share every thought, feeling and mundane activity with men. Leave them wanting more, is their motto!

Women today tend to confuse intimacy with familiarity. Your man does not need to know every little detail about you! They don’t need to know every detail of every romance you ever had, they don’t need to know what brand of tampon you buy, they don’t need to know what brand of toilet cleaner you prefer and they don't need to see you pee. Oversharing kills the mystery and does nothing to build intimacy. Intimacy comes from sharing feelings and inner thoughts, not from prattling on about inanities!

How To Be Alluring

First and foremost, be a lady. An alluring woman is confident in her femininity and does not feel the need to draw attention to herself through outrageous behaviour. So resist the urge to drink till you throw up. If you don't feel like you know where to start, go to a finishing school or read more here.
Be interesting. An alluring woman knows that she has something to say because she is widely read and interested in the world around her.
Don't confuse familiarity and intimacy. An alluring woman shares but does not prattle. She prefers to have privacy and space, instead of sharing every aspect of her life with a man.
Develop your own style. An alluring woman has her own style because she knows who she really is and how she wants to portray herself to the world.
Learn about etiquette. When you have mastered social etiquette, you can relax and shine in any social situation.
Be interested in other people. An alluring woman is interested in the opinions of others. She encourages them to talk by listening attentively and asking questions.
Don't try to change men. An alluring woman allows a man to be a man and is accepting of his differences, flaws and opinions. She understands that a man is a welcome addition to a fulfilling life, not a necessity.
Have a life. An alluring woman has a fulfilling life. She surrounds herself with friends and family, hobbies and interests, books and courses, and of course, love.

The Charm of the Feminine Woman

2010-05-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

Over the last century, women have fought for –and won - the right to be equal with men but somewhere along the way, they have come to think that equality means acting like men.

Today, girls dress like boys, act like boys, try to keep up with them in terms of drinking, swearing and provocative behavior. You only have to turn on the tv to see images of girls cavorting in pubs, drinking in abandon, flashing their breasts and throwing up. Walk around the shops and you see girls swearing, mirroring masculine stances and walk, wearing clothes that are anything but feminine and showing a complete lack of manners.

Presumably, they think that men are impressed by their ability to keep up with them. However, men are not interested in marrying or falling in love with a female version of themselves. It is in all the ways that women are different from men that appeals – their softness, their femininity, their different way of thinking and viewing life and, of course, their feminine appearance.

Men, by nature, are hunters and protectors and are, therefore, instinctively attracted to women who bring out these natural qualities. It may not be a conscious decision but they will automatically gravitate to those women who are feminine. Women who are bawdy and aggressive may appeal in the short term but for the majority of men, will not be what they want in a wife or the mother of their children.

The Lost Arts
Too many modern women have forgotten how to be feminine, how to be graceful and elegant- how to be ladies, in fact. These are considered old fashioned arts now and are quickly being lost from our culture.

Yet the concepts of femininity and masculinity have not changed in 3000 years because their roots lie in our basic genetic makeup. Although these concepts may look slightly different from culture to culture, they all share some common defining aspects. Masculine men are seen as strong, brave, protective and good providers while feminine women are seen as tender, nurturing, soft, kind and family oriented. Of course, in our modern world, it is perfectly acceptable for men to display some of the feminine qualities and for women to demonstrate some of those masculine qualities.

However, it is becoming increasingly common to see young women who seem to be determined to squash any sign of femininity. This may be because they perceive femininity as weakness or because they think they must behave like men in order to be seen as strong. This manifests itself in several ways – provocative dressing, sexual aggression, loose disguising clothes, talking and acting like ‘one of the boys’.

The irony is that being a lady and tapping into your feminine qualities actually makes you more powerful! Being a lady means having respect for yourself and insisting that others treat you with respect. As Dr Phil always says, you teach others how to treat you. If you don’t require much of the men around you, then you won’t get much! If however, you demonstrate that you believe you are worth their respect and the investment of their time, they will believe it too.

A lady has the confidence that comes from knowing that she is always presenting herself in her best light. A lady shines because she is not feeling self conscious and awkward and is thus free to let her personality show. A lady has an advantage over other women because she treats others with respect and expects to be shown the same respect. A lady attracts the attention of every man in the room, regardless of her beauty or lack thereof, because she has confidence and natural charm, and the ability to make other people feel special.

Before you sneer at this old fashioned concept, consider what being a lady means. The formal definition is ‘a well mannered and considerate woman with high standards’. What aspect of this statement is old fashioned? Having manners and being considerate means behaving in a way that makes other people feel comfortable around you. Having high standards means having respect for yourself.

This long lost art is making a comeback today. Women are slowly realizing that being a lady is a much needed quality today. It gives them an advantage in relationships, in the workplace and inner confidence within themselves. They are also realizing that being a lady – and expecting men to treat them as such – does not mean that they are not equal. Instead, it declares to the world that they are proud to be a woman and that they revel in the unique qualities that make them a woman.

What Can You Do to be More Feminine?
1) Find yourself a feminine role model that you admire, such as Princess Mary, Beyonce or maybe your mother. Everytime you are about to do or say something that might be unfeminine, stop and ask yourself if it is something that person would be.
2) Get a book on etiquette from the library and start practising the lessons in it. The more confident you are in your ability to handle a situation with grace, the more confident in your femininity you will be.
3) Consider going to a finishing school to learn how to be a lady. This will not only give you the skills you need to be a lady but it will allow you to practise those skills.
4) Find someone you consider to be feminine and get them to help you do a makeover. If you look and feel feminine, you are less likely to behave in a way that contradicts it.
5) Avoid situations that you know tempt you into poor behaviour, such as the pub or nightclub scene. At least until you are secure in your new image.
6) Create a vision board with images of the woman you want to be. Clothes, confidence, a good man, a good career - list all the things that will come with the new you.
7) Start each morning with a short visualisation of the woman you want to be. Imagine how you will handle the various situations you might encounter today. Imagine yourself behaving with humour, manners, confidence, generosity, etc.

2010-05-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

Online Dating Etiquette
Online dating has its own set of rules to navigate. It allows you to get to know someone through emails for a while before meeting face to face. Here are some points to consider:
1.    Stay safe. Never provide your address or phone details. Set up a separate email address for your online dating.
2.    Be honest about yourself. If you are sincere in your search for a mate, it will show in your emails and profile.
3.    Always be polite. Remember your manners. You may not have a face to the name but these are still people with feelings.
4.    End the relationship politely whether you have met or not. It is considered okay to end a casual relationship via email but if you have actually dated for a while, give them the courtesy of a call.
5.    Use a reputable dating site that makes you feel comfortable and safe. You need to know your details will be protected and that bad behaviour will not be tolerated.
6.    Use a respectable online name. It might be tempting to call yourself ‘Hottotrot’ but if you are looking for a decent man, don’t have a callsign that is likely to attract men who are only interested in your physical attributes.
7.    Put a recent flattering photo of you up. You don’t want your date to feel deceived by how different you look from your photo.
8.    Keep emails light and fun. This is not the place to reveal personal details about yourself. If you feel that you have a connection, get on the phone.

2010-05-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Texting Etiquette when Dating

Texting adds a new dimension to the dating game. It allows you to establish a connection even before you’ve been on a date, it can deepen intimacy while you are dating and it allows you to flirt and add more fun to your relationship. However, there are also traps for the unwary. Here are some things to look out for.

Always be conscious that texting is a public medium, so don’t text or send anything that you don’t want to get out there. If you send a risque photo of yourself, be prepared for the possibility that it might end up in the wrong hands.
Don’t accept a date via a text. If a man is not interested enough to pick up a phone or seek you out, then he is not worth your time and effort.
Don’t overabbreviate. It is irritating for the receiver to have to guess or interpret your message. It is okay to use commonly used abbreviations but otherwise, make the effort to spell out the message. Your date/boyfriend will feel that they are worth your time and effort.
It is okay to flirt but don’t be risqué or vulgar. You want to intrigue your date, not raise false expectations or perceptions of you.
Be careful with making jokes. Without the tone and expression that comes with face to face communication, it is easy for a joking comment to be taken the wrong way when texted.
It is okay to exchange texts before a first date. Keep it light and fun. Find out a bit about them and their interests so you have something to talk about when you meet.
Don’t get into a fight via texting.If you take offence at something they’ve texted, pick up the phone to sort it out.
Don’t break up or cancel a date via texting. That is just bad manners. You owe them the courtesy of a personal conversation, whether face to face or by phone. It may be easier to text but think about how you would feel if someone treated you that casually.
Don’t text straight after a date. That just seems a little too overeager or desperate. Give it a few hours or even a day.
Don’t let texting be your main form of communication. Pick up the phone!Texting is fun and useful but can never be a substitute for real conversation.

Dating Rules for Women

2010-05-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

Rules of Engagement
Dating is like a dance. You have to know the steps or you’ll look like an idiot and/or fall flat on your face! Courtship is basically a mating ritual in which we seek to determine if we have found a compatible mate. Women and men move forward and dance back, tempt and tease, intrigue and excite, divert and confound. Women who don’t understand the rules of this dance reduce their chances of finding their perfect mate.

The first thing to remember is that the rules of social etiquette apply just as much in dating and relationships as in any other arena. Be polite, interested and interesting, elegant and a class act. This will give you a headstart in the dating arena because you will be more alluring and charming than most women men meet today. It will also give you the confidence to present yourself at your best.

1. Dress appropriately. Whether you are going to the movies or an expensive dinner, dress to reflect the best version of you. Always err on the side of modesty. Men have a great imagination and like to picture what you look like under your clothes - so leave something for them to imagine!
2. Always be fresh and clean. Any sign of poor personal hygiene is a real turnoff, for men and women. Bathe thoroughly every day, apply fresh make-up, wear fresh clothes, shave regularly, trim your nails and hair, and brush your teeth every day.
3. Remember your manners. A woman who is at ease in the boardroom, the beach or a restaurant is attractive because she knows how to handle herself and doesn’t embarrass the people around her. Practise your etiquette lessons until you are completely comfortable. Be a class act, girls. Men may laugh and cheer on your swearing, flashing and drunken antics but they are also crossing you off the list of possible life mates.
4. Show interest in the person you are with. Ask them questions about their work, hobbies, opinions; share your opinions and observations; and really listen to what your date is saying.
5. Be interesting. Develop your inner world so that you have a lot to talk about. Read a variety of material (not just women’s magazines), have a few hobbies, attend free seminars – there are many ways you can expand your knowledge easily. Have an opinion - modern men want a woman who knows her own mind.
6. Don’t talk about previous relationships. It is a no-win situation. Bagging a previous boyfriend makes you appear critical while praising them may make your date question whether you are over said boyfriend. Also, I have been told by men that hearing women talk about how great their old boyfriends are, makes them feel very insecure and wonder if they can live up to her expectations. So just don’t talk about old boyfriends, full stop.
7. Don’t drink much. You need to know what you are saying and doing at all times, and getting tipsy or roaring drunk is likely to lead to you doing or saying something you will regret. So keep it to one or two glasses. Remember, you want to present the best version of you and if you are falling down drunk, the version you will be presenting to your date will be less than flattering.
8. Take things slow. On TV and movies, couples jump into bed on the first date but that is because they’ve only got two hours to tell the story! You, on the other hand, have a lifetime. Take the time to find out if your date is a good match before you take it to the next level. Just as importantly, men need time to see past your external attractions and fall in love with the woman inside. Give them time to discover how amazing you are before you have sex with them.
9. Allow men to chase you. Men may be more civilised now but the hunting instinct is still there just below the surface. Allow them to pursue you. They will appreciate you all the more for it. Some women think that such behaviour is manipulative but, in truth, you are just filling a basic need in men. They want the chase and they value the prize all the more if it is hard-won. This does not mean being dishonest, cold or cruel. It means letting him know that you are interested but that you need convincing that he is a good match. Let him do the calling, make the dates, woo you with flowers; don’t be available all the time – after all, you already have a great life. Above all, have some fun with the game of love!
10. Keep a little mystery. Mystery is part of a woman’s allure so don’t be in such a rush to reveal everything about yourself. The rule is - 'If he doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t need to know'! That doesn’t mean you should lie to him, just don’t offer too much information. Does he really need to know how many times you’ve had your heart broken or when you first had sex? Does he really need to know about your eczema or IBS? This should extend to all areas of your life. Your date/boyfriend doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty of how you got to be so wonderful – he doesn’t need to see you applying your make-up, shaving your legs, scrubbing floors and he definitely doesn’t need to see you pee in front of him. Don’t confuse intimacy with familiarity, girls.
11. Don’t be a stalker. After a date, do not ring, text, or email him constantly. If he is interested, he will get in touch with you. If you must contact him, leave one casual message and that’s all. Any more calls, and you run the risk of sounding desperate – not an attractive quality.
12. Relax. Maybe this will be the love of your life, maybe not. The point of dating is to have fun while you are meeting new people on your journey of love. So relax and enjoy! Learn to laugh and see the humour in awkward situations. Not only will you enjoy yourself more, but a girl who can laugh at life is infinitely appealing.

The Importance of Teaching Our Sons To Dance

2009-11-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

Lords of the Dance
Introducing Boys to Dancing

I want my daughters to know that if they have any sons, they should make teaching them to dance as much a priority as teaching them manners! Why? Firstly, dancing gives boys much confidence and secondly, because every girlfriend and his wife will thank her forever more! Women love to dance. I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't mourn the fact that her partner can't and thus, won't dance. The few I have met who have a partner who can dance are disgustingly smug about it - and I can't say I begrudge them, LOL.

While girls today continue to gravitate to dance from a young age, many boys avoid dance because of the modern perception that it is a feminine activity. Boys are instead encouraged to focus on sports as an outlet for their energies. The irony is that dancing can be even more physically and mentally demanding than football or basketball!

The Benefits of Dance for Boys

It is important to change this perception as boys are missing out on valuable skills.
1) Dance allows boys an important outlet for expressing their emotions in a safe way. Just watch Billy Elliott to see how dancing allows boys to express their emotions in a constructive way!

2) It teaches them control of their body. Dancing teaches boys to be aware of their bodies and how it moves. “Dancers learn to use their brains as well as their feet,” Says Owen Oxley, local dance instructor and owner of Oxley Dance Studios. “which is something a lot of boys can’t do, because multi-skilling is not a skill that comes naturally to them.”

3) It increases their self esteem and confidence. Mastering increasingly complicated dance steps boosts their belief in themselves, and they become more confident in their ability to master any new skill. “Their self confidence increases because they learn to know their own body and start to feel good about themselves.” Says Warren Jerome, President of the Cairns Rock ‘n’ Roll Club.

4) It teaches boys respect for other people. Dancing requires a person to show courtesy and consideration towards other people, or they won’t want to dance with them again!

5) Studies show it has many health benefits, such as improving body image, attentiveness, and communication skills. Dancing also reduces stress, fear and anxiety.

6) For older boys, dance is a wonderful way for to connect with girls in a safe and unthreatening way. This is an opportunity often missed today because boys are afraid of looking ridiculous in front of girls. This could be eliminated with a few simple dance lessons.

7) A teen boy who is a confident dancer has a social advantage over his less confident and able peers. While young boys may not appreciate dance in quite the same way as girls, the advantages of being able to dance will suddenly become clear when they are teenagers! Girls of all ages love to dance and appreciate a boy who is at least confident enough to get on the dance floor. This is a skill which will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life. “Boys quickly learn that a lad who knows how to dance can get any girl in the room onto the dance floor!” Says Mr Oxley.

Dance Opportunities for Boys
There are many different forms of dance available to interest boys, such as Funk, Hip Hop, Rock ‘n Roll and Ballroom. The energetic kicks, flips and spins of the Dance-Rock-n-Roll-Boogie Club (DRRB) appeal to a lot of boys, with at least 50% of the classes being made up by boys. “It is such an energetic activity that boys who are sporting often make the best dancers!” Laughs Mr Jerome of the DRRB Club. Ballroom dancing has also proved to be a perennial favourite. The owner of Oxley Dance Studios, Owen Oxley, notes that his ballroom dancing classes have enjoyed a 50/50 mix of boys and girls for over 15 years. “While boys often get self conscious about dance at some stage during their teen years and leave for a while, they invariably come back within a year!”

While sport will always be a major part of our boys’ lives, we should also encourage them to enjoy the many creative, social and emotional joys of dance. Giving our sons a love of dance –and the confidence to enjoy it- is a gift that will last them a lifetime.

5 Essentials to Keep Your Relationship Fresh

2009-08-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

Here is an interesting article I found at Ezinearticles.com.

Relationship Help - 5 Essentials to Keep Your Relationship Fresh
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Richard_Nicastro]Richard Nicastro

Anyone who is married or in a long-term committed relationship comes to realize that at some point there is a danger of falling into a lifeless routine. The vast number of marriage advice and relationship help books is a clear indication that couples are eagerly searching for ways to head off relationship problems and keep their relationship running on all cylinders.

Are marriage problems and painful relationship issues always inevitable?

Absolutely not-there are steps you can take today to prevent marital problems from taking hold and these steps can also help improve an already strong relationship.

Relationship help: 5 steps to a stronger relationship

1. Don't let frustrations mount

Fact: You're going to get frustrated with your spouse/partner from time to time-- you're only human, after all.

Trap to avoid: Too many couples let frustrations mount without clearing the air and addressing important issues. Unresolved issues have the tendency to fester and lead to bigger relationship problems-don't put your head in the sand and assume your marriage or relationship will take care of itself.

2. Validate each other

Fact: As your life becomes more and more hectic, it's easy to overlook each other.

Trap to avoid: Becoming temporarily preoccupied with competing commitments is one thing, taking the most important person in your life for granted is an entirely different ball game. Make an effort to check in with one another each day. Share the little things with your partner like you used to (when you first fell in love).

3. Don't let the negatives outweigh the positives

Fact: Conflicts and negative relationship patterns have a way of spiraling out of control if left unchecked

Trap to avoid: Research shows that for your relationship to remain healthy, there must be a greater number of positive interactions between you and your partner than negative ones. Make an effort to acknowledge and highlight any positives that occur between each other-and heap on the gratitude for the little things your partner does for you each day.

4. Make the effort to break up lifeless routines

Fact: Your relationship will fall into predictable patterns and routines.

Trap to avoid: Routines aren't inherently troublesome; in fact, many couples take comfort in their routines. However, continuously feeling bored and unenthusiastic about the time you spend together is a concern. If this is the case, the routines that once brought you comfort may be squeezing the life out of your marriage or relationship. You and your partner need to periodically infuse novelty into the relationship-stir things up by trying something new and exciting.

5. Find balance in your life

Fact: Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually will help you be a better spouse/partner.

Trap to avoid: There are many different forms of self-neglect (working too much, repeatedly ignoring signs that you're not feeling well, consuming too much alcohol, not getting enough sleep...) that will adversely impact your ability to be a present, reliable and responsive spouse/partner. If you stop taking care of yourself, there will always be negative fallout for the people around you, especially the people who love you. Commit to taking care of yourself so you have the emotional reserves for yourself and the important people in your life.

If the idea of implementing all of these steps into your relationship feels too daunting, pick one or two and stay with them. Each one can make a positive impact on your relationship. And if your spouse/partner is open to it, share this list and make a mutual plan to incorporate these ideas into your daily lives.

Do you want to receive powerful relationship tips each month?

Visit [http://strengthenyourrelationship.com/relationship_newsletter.html]Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you."

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I've just completed the newest [http://strengthenyourrelationship.com/relationship_store.html]Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Richard_Nicastro http://EzineArticles.com/?Relationship-Help---5-Essentials-to-Keep-Your-Relationship-Fresh&id=2781792

Are you really ready for marriage: Aug 1, 2009

2009-08-01T20:34:00.001-07:00

Important questions to ask yourself or your partner before committing to marriage Things I Want My Daughter To Know: Aug 1, 2009

Shared via AddThis

2009-08-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Here is an interesting article on what people should consider before they get married. Sue

Question - Are You Really Ready For Marriage?
By Dave A Patrick

Are you really ready for marriage? What exactly does that question mean? Of course we're ready you might say. We love each other and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. OK, fine you love each and love is very important and it can transcend everything else but people can fall out of love very quickly.

There are other things that go to make a long and happy marriage. And it is important that each of you should ask each other the 5 essential questions below and listen very carefully to each others answers about how you truly FEEL.

#1 Children

Do you want to have children? If so, how do you want to bring them up?

#2 Religion

How strong are your beliefs, if any? How do you feel about church and church going?

3# Money

How do you feel about money? Are you a spender or a saver?

#4 Family

How do you really feel about each others families?

#5 Sex

How important do you feel sex is in a marriage?

There are many more questions you can ask each about subjects like what food do you really like? What's your favorite vacation or hobby or movie star? But asking the 5 questions above are essential, if you wish to live together in harmony for the rest of your lives.

Why, you might question, should knowing each others TRUE FEELINGS about the subjects above be essential to your marriage plans?

The answer is very simple: Children, Religious belief, Money, Family, and Sex are the BIGGEST CAUSES OF DIVORCE in the USA today. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce these days and the problems that lead to divorce are usually caused by one or more of the subjects listed above . Relationship experts believe that if all couples planning to get married asked each other the five questions above before they tied the knot they could cut the chances of their marriage ending in divorce by half!

So to all you couples planning to get married, question each other carefully on the 5 subjects above BEFORE you make that final commitment to spending the rest of your lives together.

Dave A Patrick will have been married to his wonderful wife Janey for 39 years come September. He believes that communication with each other is the secret of a harmonious marriage. You can get a whole lot more information about the questions you should ask each other here:
http://www.squidoo.com/questions4couplesbe4marrage.

Article Source: ezinearticles.com expert=Dave_A_Patrick

What Women Need to Know About Moving In With a Man

2009-06-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

Today, moving in together is perceived by many women as the step between falling in love and getting married. However, before my daughters do this, I want to make sure that they are armed with all the relevant facts.

1. First of all, don't rush into it! Being madly, passionately in love is such a short phase and should be enjoyed for a long as possible. Research shows that it usually lasts about 2 years for dating couples, but only about 6 months after people start living together. So you should enjoy the romantic phase for as long as it lasts!

The second reason you shouldn't rush into living together, is because many young women don't realise how difficult it is to extricate themselves from a live-in relationship. The only thing wrong with the relationship may be a feeling that says 'this isn't how I want to live my life'. That doesn't carry much weight when weighed against all the emotional and physical ties of a live-in relationship. So before you move in, take a good hard look at yourself and your dreams for the future. Then take a good look at the man you are planning on moving in with, because that may well be the man you end up marrying - for better or worse.

2. Women view moving in as being one step closer to getting married. They need to realise that men do not necessarily view it this way. A lot of men want to move in because it is more convenient. So have the conversation - are both of you moving in together because it is convenient, or because you both want to get married some day, or do you both have different expectations?

3. If the expectation is that you will marry some day, set a deadline before you move in. Research shows couple who live together more than 2 years are less likely to marry, and when they do, they are more likely to get divorced! So discuss how long you are prepared to live together without a firm commitment. This sounds odd, I know, but it is important that you both are aware of each others' expectations. This is not about threatening your partner with breaking up, but about respect and boundaries. For example, before I moved in with my now-husband, I told him that I would only live with him for a year without an engagement and then I was moving out. Of course, he felt pressured at first, but once I explained that I was not talking about breaking up with him, just moving out because of my own personal beliefs, he relaxed. We were engaged 6 months later.

4. Treat moving in as a trial marriage. You need to think about what you expect in a life partner, and be clear-eyed enough to see if your partner has those qualities. In essence, does he make your life better - or worse? Is he a good person but inclined to be a couch potato while you want to climb Mount Everest - or vice versa? For more on what women should think about before choosing a life partner, read The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Getting Married.

5. Don't even think about having kids until you have lived together for a couple of years and you are confident that this is someone you want to spend your life with. While you can walk out without many complications if your 'trial marriage' doesn't work out, things change once children come into the picture. Sure, if he is a bastard, you leave. But what happens if he is a nice but dull man - and now the father of your children? Your responsibilities towards your children mean that you owe it to them to try to make the relationship work. As much as you are choosing a life partner for yourself, you are also choosing a father for your children - so think about what attributes you are looking for in a father - health, affection, good values, and a shared philosophy of child-raising.

Finally, let me quote the advice given to young women in 1918:
"There can be no question but that love is the essential foundation of all true marriage, and yet Love, as that word is commonly used, is not enough.

There must be a strong physical attraction in order that there may be a harmonious and life-giving physical relationship.

There must be mental companionship in order that, as the years go by, the two may grow more and more intimately into each other's lives.

There must also be a spiritual union. They must have common aims, ideals, and a common attitude toward life and its great purposes. It is only in this highest realm of the spiritual, as we call it, that an enduring union can exist, and without this, the coming together of the two individuals may prove to be only temporary." (from Old and New)

In all the years that have passed since, not much has changed! Let me leave you with this final thought - choose wisely before allowing yourself to fall in love but if you are already in love, then use 'moving in' as a way of testing whether your hormones have made the right choice for you.

Empowering Our Girls To Be Safe

2009-06-18T01:49:00.000-07:00

How to Empower Girls to Stay Safe

There are many things we, as parents, can do to enable our daughters to feel - and be - safe. Don't wait until they are teenagers to start teaching them (although it is never to late to start).

1. From a young age, teach them the power of intuition. Remember, we trust far more people than we distrust, so if your daughter feels uncomfortable around someone, it is significant. We must teach our daughters to honour their gut instinct that says something's not right. This takes practice. On outings, ask your daughter to tell you how she reacted to someone you both just met. Get her to notice her first instinctual reaction - was it trust, shyness, distaste?

2. Girls must be taught to react to early signals, as this is when they can turn away most predators. Teach your daughter to be wary of strangers who try to be charming, offer unsolicited help and promises, and especially, ignores her refusal of help. This is the most universally significant signal of danger as it is a sign that the predator is seeking to control her. Teach your daughter that it is okay to be blunt and even rude in this situation. Explain to her that you (and any truly innocent adult) would understand her rudeness if she turns out to be mistaken. If girls don't make the mistake of waiting for clear signals, then they can defeat most predators.

3. Teach your daughter how to communicate clearly that she is not a target. This includes glaring, holding the stare, walking away and raising her voice. Most predators will get the message and look for an easier target.

4. Teach your teenage daughter about PC, that is, Privacy and Control. Sexual predators are not dangerous to your daughter if they don't have privacy and control. Therefore, if your daughter learns to recognise PC situations early, she can take steps to change the situation before it becomes dangerous. For example, if a girl notices that her driving instructor's directions are taking her out of populated areas, she can clearly say "I wish to stay in familiar areas". This clearly says to the predator that she is not going to be easily controlled, and in the majority of cases, the predator will abandon his plan.

5.Your daughter needs to be aware of her surroundings. Predators look for victims who are going to be easy targets - the ones on their phones, looking at the ground, day dreaming, listening to music…Teach your daughter to always take note of who is around her and what is going on. If she notices someone approaching her, she can usually deter them with the steely response in Step 3. Give your daughter pop quizzes on walks or shopping expeditions to see how alert she is to her surroundings.

Hopefully, these techniques will keep your daughter from ever being attacked. However, she still needs to know what to do if she is attacked.

6. Enrol your daughter in martial arts or self-defence classes. This is important because the reaction of most people when faced with an aggressive and loud person, is to freeze. This allows the attacker time to get in close and take control. Regular martial arts or other similiar classes, however, will teach your daughter to react automatically in crises. Those precious first few minutes often make all the difference in an attack, as most attackers will retreat in the face of a serious defence. If you can't afford classes, make a game of surprising your daughter at home and practising quick responses.

7. Teach your daughter to do the opposite of whatever she is told to do, as that is what the attacker is most afraid that your daughter will do. If they say 'don't yell', train you daughter to do exactly that!

8. Teach your daughter to breathe out in crises. Most people forget to breathe which means their brain's ability to think through the crisis disappears. Breathing out forces the body to start breathing again.

9. Teach your daughter to never allow herself to be taken somewhere else. Her chance of escaping the situation drops significantly if she allows an attacker to move her to another location. When my girls ask 'what do I do if they have a knife?', I tell them "Fight. Yes, you might get stabbed, but your chances of surviving are pretty good. If, however, you let them take you away, you lose any control over whether you live or die."

10. Show your girl a couple of simple but painful manoeuvers, such as a kick to the shin. This will hopefully cause an attacker to loosen or release his hold which will give your child an opportunity to escape. Again, practice is important so that she can react quickly and strongly.

(Several of these tips come from security expert, Gavin De Becker. I recommend reading his book 'Keeping the Gift Safe' for many fascinating tips on preventing violence to children.)

Preparing your daughter to be safe doesn't mean making her fearful of the world. It means teaching her that there are techniques she needs to master in case she is ever attacked, in much the same way we teach our children how to deal with fire. This is what I tell my daughters. They roll their eyes at my pop quizzes and challenges, but there is a quiet self confidence in the way they hold themselves that reassures me that they are ready to go out into the world.

Should Our Daughters Be Allowed to Wear Makeup?

2009-06-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

Could allowing your daughter to wear makeup be increasing her breast cancer risk?

Research shows 9 out of 10 girls are wearing makeup regularly by the time they are 14. In fact, the number of girls aged 11 to 14 who use makeup every day has doubled in two years! Yet girls are most vulnerable to the chemicals in makeup - many of which are linked to breast cancer - during the years when their bodies are developing! (Environmental Working Group report, 2008)

The cosmetic industry has been increasingly targeting our daughters over the last decade, with a range of cutesy products designed for young girls. As a mother, I know that I allowed myself to be persuaded that 'kiddy makeup' was okay because it was just the same as playing dress up. I assumed that the products would be extra safe because of the age range it was marketed to, but clearly that was not the case! A look at any of the 'kiddy' cosmetics will quickly show you an alarming range of ingredients whose name you can't pronounce (which usually means chemicals). Do a bit more research and you will find that there are ingredients like phthalates which are linked to breast cancer, birth deformation, asthma and early puberty. You will also find lead, formaldehyde and other harmful ingredients.

A study of teenage girls by the Environmental Working Group discovered hormone-disrupting chemicals (commonly found in cosmetics and body care products) present in their bodies. It found 16 different toxic chemicals in blood and urine samples! Many of these are linked to serious health risks in lab animals, even at low-dose levels.

Many of the ingredients in makeup and skin care products mimic the effect of oestrogen. This is of great concern, because it is widely accepted amongst scientists that it is the increased exposure to oestrogen in our environment that has lead to the rise in breast cancer over the last 50 years. (Breast cancer Network(NZ)report, 2006)

Strategies for protecting our daughters from the chemicals in cosmetics

1)The first thing to do is start reading labels, particularly the ingredients list. As a rule of thumb, if you can't pronounce it - don't buy it! Be suspicious: Words like "natural" or "hypoallergenic" look reassuring, but they may well be misleading.

2)Educate yourself and your daughters. There is a lot of information on the net about the chemicals in cosmetics issue. A good place to start is at www.SafeCosmetics.org. There is also an alarming report that is worth reading, even if it is a bit scientific, at www.breastcancernetwork.org.nz/docs/Insidious%20Oestrogens.pdf">Insidious Oestrogens.

There are also places that will educate your daughter on cosmetic safety. For instance, as part of their Building Social Confidence program, one business - Grace Academy (www.graceacademyoz.com)- is arming girls with the information they need to make safe and healthy choices in cosmetics and skin care. “There are safe products available, if you know what to look for. We also teach girls about natural products they can make themselves.” said Karen McIlveen, principal of Grace Academy, “For instance, the chocolate facial mask is a wonderful moisturiser!”

3)Make your own cosmetics and skin care products! Women often assume that you have to pay a fortune for a product that is good for your skin, but that couldn't be further from the truth! You can easily make natural products in your kitchen, which are often better for your skin than anything you can buy in the shop. You can teach your daughter to make lip glosses, face masks and bubble baths in just a few minutes, knowledge that will save her a lot of money down the track! Download recipes at safe cosmetics, if you are interested.

4)Shop in places that sell organic and natural products. Health stores often have natural cosmetics and skin care products, but again, read the labels carefully. Just because products are in a health store doesn't mean they are free of harmful chemicals.

5)Limit you and your daughter's overall exposure to hormone-disrupting chemicals. While our bodies have an inherent ability to get rid of excess oestrogen, many of the man-made compounds can't be broken down and end up accumulating in the body.

One way to reduce the load on our bodies is to use glass containers as much as possible, as plastic containers often have these harmful chemicals. Another way to reduce exposure is to avoid all shop-bought cosmetic and skin care products, including shampoos and deodorants. In fact, some of the worst offenders are sunscreens, with five out of the 6 having oestrogen-like ingredients. Instead seek out products that are made from 100% natural ingredients. You may have to do a bit of detective work at first. For instance, aromatherapy businesses often make up their own skin care products which are natural and wonderful for the skin.

6) Ultimately, you may have to refuse to allow your daughter to wear makeup and skin care products until her body has stopped developing. As she is most vulnerable when her body is developing, taking such a stand may protect her from breast cancer in the long run.

The pressure being brought to bear on cosmetic companies is slowly forcing them to withdraw these chemicals from their product lines. However, it will be some time before it is safe to use shop-bought products. In the meantime, we must protect our daughters from being exposed unnecessarily to products which may cause them harm later in life. Some exposures are out of our control but limiting their exposure to shop-bought products is one thing we can control, and must, for our daughters' sake. For more advice that mothers need to give their daughters, please sign up for more articles at http://advicefordaughters.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default.

10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make Before Getting Married

2009-05-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

10. Believing in ‘..and they lived happily ever after”. Women are fed romantic ideals from the day they are born. Books and movies aimed at girls invariably promote the big wedding to the perfect man as the ideal ending, from Snow White to Hilary Duff, from fairy tales to Mills and Boon. Is it any wonder women don’t tend to look past the romance of the wedding to the 50 or so years of marriage that follows! The truth is, marriage is hard work! A more realistic perspective would be that marriage is about 20% happiness, 30% contentment and 50% plain hard work! Going into marriage with a realistic attitude will prevent a lot of disappointment.

9. Believing that they can change him. Women have a tendency to gloss over qualities they don’t like in a man, telling themselves ‘oh, he’ll change’ or ‘I’ll work on that’. It doesn’t work, because you can’t force a person to change. If you do manage to bully him into changing, your relationship will suffer. Either accept and enjoy the differences between you or create an environment that encourages him to want to change for you.

8. Believing that he will always be romantic. Often women have very unrealistic expectations based on the way their partner behaved during the courtship phase. Unfortunately, most men heave a big sigh of relief once they have won you because they think ‘hey, I can relax now and stop doing all that girly stuff’! That doesn’t mean you have to give up on romance, just don’t expect a ‘grand gesture’ every day.

7. Losing self. Getting into an intense relationship before they’ve developed a clear sense of their own identity is another common mistake young women make. Without a clear sense of self, women identify overly with their partner and find it difficult to stand up for themselves and their own needs. A woman with a strong sense of identity, however, is a more interesting and equal partner.

6. Giving up friends and interests. With the thrill of being in love, it is too easy for women to put friends and family, hobbies and sports on the backburner. This is a fundamental mistake to make because a) women depend on support networks throughout their lives and b) men just can’t be everything to a woman. It is asking too much of them. It is important to maintain a happy balance in your life.

5. Rushing into marriage. It almost seems to be a race across the wedding finishing line for many young women. Marriage can last an eternity, but your single 20s only last a decade at the most! Don’t rush into it. Just because you found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, doesn’t mean you have to marry him straight away. Enjoy your youth so that you will not have any regrets later.

4. Not having conversations about serious issues. Talk to your partner about where you both stand on issues that can make or break a marriage. Talk about the number of children you both want, are you intending to stay home to raise them, where your priorities lie, spending styles, dreams and goals, where you see yourself 20 years from now, parenting styles, sharing of responsibilities, etc. You need to know beforehand if his beliefs are incompatible with yours. This alone can determine how happy or conflicted your marriage is.

Also, have discussions about ground rules. Negotiations should be conducted before you sign on the dotted line. Too many of us rush into marriage and then spend the first decade negotiating the details! Sit down and nut out the details before you get married. Work out the basic rules that you both need to follow in order to have a happy marriage. It is important to be realistic, though, and to not agree to any rules that you know are unreasonable. Sex every day may work for him but it probably won’t for you! Also, realize that these rules may need to be renegotiated now and then, such as when you have children.

3. Having sex before sussing out the guy. Research shows that women are genetically programmed to fall in love with someone they have sex with. Make sure that he is someone you have the potential to be happy with, before you jump into bed with him! Afterwards, your hormones are likely to override your commonsense. This is how the Bree Van Der Camps of the world find themselves married to the Tommy Lee Jones of the world! Sometimes this work because your fundamental beliefs are the same but don’t let your hormones make that decision for you.

2. Settling. A lot of women start to panic if they aren’t married by their mid-20s, and god forbid they reach 30 without being married! That ol’ biological clock starts ticking loudly. The result is that they make excuses and rationalizations to themselves about a relationship that is already dull and past its use-by date, or which they know has serious issues. Marrying someone because you are afraid to be alone is unfair to yourself and your partner. Someone once said ‘I don’t want to spend a lifetime turning a bad relationship into an average one; I want to start with a good relationship and make it a great one’. Hear, hear.

And the No. 1 mistake women make is

1. Getting married because they are ‘in love’. Being in love is not a good enough reason to marry. We can fall in love for many reasons – it doesn’t mean the man you have fallen in love with will be a good partner. Choosing a good partner makes all the difference between having a harmonious marriage and a difficult marriage. You need to seriously question how well you two can work together for a lifetime. Do you complement each other? Does he make you feel like a better person or a lesser one?

I fell in love with 3 completely different men before I finally married. If I had married the first man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with an adrenaline junkie which would have stressful for a couch-and-book lover like me; if I had married the second man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with a compulsive cheater; and if I had married the third man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with an emotionally stunted husband. Each taught me a valuable lesson about what I wanted in a husband. The result is that I married a good man who still spoils me 20 years later.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience. It can be painful, frustrating, hilarious, comforting, annoying and tender. How much it leans to either end of the happiness spectrum depends on you making a good choice of partner at the beginning.